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Received a staggering news today, I am fairly surprised, overwhelmed, and still feel a bit unreal, maybe because it is happening on someone who is so close to me. My dear flatmate just told me that she is pregnant this afternoon. PREGANANT! REALLY?! Well, of course it is a normal thing and I should not feel so surprised. But this exciting news just took me out of surprise in so many levels, and that is the moment that I deeply feel that I am still a kid inside myself. For me, marriage and the so-called ‘starting my own family’ are still a far-reaching vague concepts that I see no way to happen in my near future, although I saw some friends and relatives seriously considering marriage, or actually got married, or even already have children for the recent two years. However, these things are just…seems still rather far away from my life, maybe because I am still live my school life and somehow I just found it difficult to connect them together. This is of course a good news, but inevitably it makes me to look at myself and again, to feel pathetic about my poor love life.
I don’t know what is wrong (about myself, maybe), but there is just no one in my life. Have I got too high standards, or am I expect too much for the sparkling moments to happen like in all those silly romantic stories? I know I always feel awkward in front of men, and I am a difficult person to get alone with and need lots of time to warm up a relationship. Ya, but all these self-understandings doesn’t really help me in improving my love life quality. It is not that I never fancy or attracted someone, the problem is that they never actually make me feel the way that I thought someone falls in love suppose to feel. They are just…someone I fancy at certain points and just didn’t get beyond that. Should I worry about this phenomenon? Or there is just no point to concern about it at all, since nothing I can do to force myself has a strong feel about someone? Of course I want to in love with someone and of course I do feel jealousy and desire it when I see how intimate my flatmates are. But meanwhile, I know myself and I understand it is totally missing the point if I am dating someone only for the sake of the feeling of accompanying. I can feel so clearly my passion and my reason. They are not conflict with each other, rather a two sides of a coin that render me to see through myself. Sometimes people say you should follow your instinct, your heart, but what if your heart says noting, or just have nothing to say? Somehow, I suspect, that I am sort of preparing myself for the possibility that I will be alone all my life. However, this idea of ‘get ready for the horrifying’ makes me wonder that it might contribute to the drive in itself. I heard all these talks about ‘finding the other piece’, ‘there is always someone for you’ ext., but you know, they are still just hypothesis that can neither be proven nor be falsified before evidences come to light. The only thing I know, as thousands of my precedents, is that finding love is difficult. Anyway, still, a huge congratulation to my dear flatmates!
By the way, why our flat door keep making noise that makes me feel quite unsecure about the safty of the flat...
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On the Stage (2)
