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It is almost the end of my second year study of PhD, and finally, I was upgraded as a PhD candidate. Well, I am not particularly 'happy' as such, but I cannot deny that I am more or less relieved, although I still cannot see how I can write a 70000 word thesis.
I wrote on my Facebook the other day that I somehow feel like that I am living my gap years, rather than studying for a degree. Or I should put it this way, the degree is a by-product. Why I feeling this is that I found myself doing many things I either never done before or never consider of doing. For instance, being a resident supporter. For instance, taking on any job, as long as it pays my rend. Maybe the latter is the main reason get me in such mood.
I been working (not studying) very hard (relatively) these days, in the sense that I never trying to find a job so desperately when I was a undergraduate. However, now, trying to find a part-time work one after the other, suddenly, constitutes a main task of my life. Particularly these days, I felt like working has taking the focus of my life than studying and writing, and this is not a good sign. I worked as a invigilator from the beginning of the summer term, and afterward I started a cleaner job at my current accommodation. While carrying out my new duty of clearing up the mess people left behind, I, allow my to brag about myself here, got myself a student helper job for this Saturday. Following that, the tiring training of my second year as a resident assistant will begin on the same Sunday evening. I can picture myself lying on my bed and in a state of exhaustion by the end of next week.
I never have such a busy life when I was in a stage that that suppose to be the case, and I am not sure why it took place now. This makes me wondering: why? What happened? Or, what did not happened? Have I all of sudden changed? Or is it because of the circumstances makes me doing what I am doing now? To a degree, I blame the militia of Taiwan, the lost of embracing the idea of idleness that Bertrand Russell praise. Honestly, I do not miss Taiwan at all, apart from the food and people that I know. Many people say that you start to reflect your own culture and identity, to look at them from different angle, when you start to live in another country. That is true. I have a lot of thinking, not academically, but about myself and the world that used to be around me. Funny thing is, I found myself much indulged in British culture than in Taiwan's. Put it cruelly but frankly, I found the latter...boring. No doubt that I am and will always a Taiwanese in my heart and there is where my 'harbour' is. Meanwhile, I will always be an outsider in British society, a certain distance and indifference will always exist between us. Nevertheless, I have been lived in Taiwan for too long and I am bored. But who to blame for my incompetence of changing my life route when I was in Taiwan? I see where I am now as a escape, but should this be the case? I hesitate, I am wondering.
Regardless about my self-indulgence in my own contemplation for no answer, I learnt the other day a friend of mine have been awarded a three year scholarship plus living expense. As a friend (although sometimes I doubt it), I know I should send my congratulation, but the dark side of me will make such well-wish somehow insincere. I do admit my jealousy, owing to my constant concern about my potential weary financial situation. I have not decide yet how to face my friend, although honestly there is not much option anyway. Also, to be fair, my friend is good at what my friend is doing, even this idea did not bring me any consolation (more like opposite).
Anyway, the summer term is nearly over and at some point I still need to produce this 70000 fine words, so do hope I get crack on soon (and no later).
I put a Lawrence Fox picture to commemorate this rare don't-know-what-exactly-it-is blog-gering. He has became my recent obsession, since I start to watch ITV's 'Lewis'. I heard about this police detective drama a long time and knew it is a spin-off from the house-known 'Inspector Morse'. However, I was not impressed and cannot even finish a episode of Morse when the first time I watched it. But Lawrence Fox got me hooked on 'Lewis'. God, I love his voice and he is so heart-breaking cute! I can totally see why he is my cuppa tea, since he bears certain resemblances to my No. 1, Benedict Cumberbatch. Oh, the geeky of me!
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